Is affirmation culture hurting us? Plus, what to do about it
Saying your daily affirmations in the mirror can give you a boost, but can affirmation culture go too far? Explore how affirmation culture affects us and our relationships.
If you’ve been on social media within the past few years, then you’ve probably heard of affirmations. You know, the positive phrases you’re encouraged to say to yourself over and over again until you believe them? Phrases like, “You’ve got this,” or “You are enough,” and “You can do anything if you try!”
While it can feel great to give ourselves the reminder that we’re awesome (because, duh, we are,) it begs the question, is all of this affirmation overload actually good for us?
From affirmation journals, to the latest TikTok trends, and even being embedded in home decor (live, laugh, love, anyone?), it seems like we’re surrounded by positivity all of the time. And while gratitude and a good attitude can go a long way towards boosting our (and our loved ones) mental health, they aren’t meant to cover up or deny the messier sides of being a human.
We’re exploring affirmation culture once and for all and asking ourselves the million dollar question — is it doing more harm than good?
What is affirmation culture?
Affirmation culture is the expectation to give and receive consistent positive reinforcement, especially within our personal relationships. Its goal is to provide a safe and stable environment for people to feel uplifted and encouraged, no matter what.
The idea behind affirmation culture has good intentions. Cheering each other (and yourself) on with positive statements that affirm someone’s strengths, feelings, or value can help them feel empowered and confident. So, that means positive affirmations and the culture it created is a good thing, right? Well, often it is. But things might not always be that straightforward.
Because of this culture of positivity and can-do attitude, there’s now an unspoken pressure to affirm and validate those around us all the time (even if we may not mean it). Through words of encouragement, “likes” on social media, or praise at work or with our friends, this culture of constant affirmation may start to cause problems in our self esteem and friendships. And it’s best to become aware of it before it’s too late.
Can you be too affirmative in friendships?
Receiving positive feedback can give someone a confidence boost, but continually affirming our friends’ choices, feelings, and worth to make them feel good can create a dependence (and even codependence) on external validation.
While it’s natural to want to cheer on your friends, constantly affirming everything a friend does—even when it isn’t deserved or needed—can mean genuine conversations and honest feedback can become harder, because you’re both overly focused on saying the “right” thing to keep each other happy.
In other words, if we’re always looking for others to tell us we’re doing well or that we’re enough, we may feel insecure when we don’t get that affirmation — even if we’re still doing well, and we know we’re still enough!
True friendship is about trust, growth, and authenticity. Sometimes, this may mean offering honestly or even tough love when necessary.
Are we too dependent on affirmations? Why affirming isn’t always needed
Affirmations can be helpful in many scenarios, but they aren’t always the solution. If a friend is grieving the loss of a loved one, words or phrases like “You’re strong,” or, “You’ll get through this,” aren’t likely what they need to be told at that moment.
Not only can these affirmations feel jarring to hear, but they can also come across like you're dismissing the depth of their emotions, pain, or experience by suggesting a simple word or phrase could make them feel better. Instead, they might just need someone to sit with them in their feelings, acknowledge their pain, and offer empathy (here are five examples how) without rushing to turn the conversation into something positive.
When affirmations aren’t genuine
Ingenuine or forced affirmations can do more damage than one may think. If you’re telling a friend they’re doing great just because you think that’s what you’re supposed to say, the affirmation can come across as fake. And your friend might notice you’re not being real, which might weaken the trust between you.
It’s okay to admit when you don’t have the perfect thing to say or when you’re unsure how to respond. Being honest about your feelings or simply listening without the pressure to affirm can often deepen the connection more than empty praise. Plus, it’ll strengthen your bond and help you become a better, more empathetic friend.
When (and how) to use affirmations mindfully
Affirmations can be uplifting when they’re used in the correct way and when they’re authentic and sincere. Like anything, however, sharing an affirmation, whether it’s with a friend or with yourself, means the most when they’re backed by mindfulness.
Know when to hold back on affirmations
Not every situation calls for a positive spin, and sometimes jumping in with an affirmation can actually feel dismissive. Acknowledge their feelings without immediately giving affirmations, as this can respect their emotional process.
If your friend is venting about something that’s bothering them, they might not want to hear, “You’ll get through it,” or “You’re strong.” Instead, they might just want to express their frustration and feel validated. In these moments, it’s okay to simply say, “That sounds really hard.” Try these five other ways to help a friend who’s navigating grief or a hard time.
Hold space for both the good and the bad, without pressure to always be upbeat.
Listen first, respond second
Sometimes, when we rush to offer affirmations, it’s because we want to fix things or make the other person feel better. But real connection often comes from simply being present and allowing your friend to share their feelings without trying to immediately change the mood or fix the problem.
Before jumping in with words of encouragement, take time to really listen to what your friend is saying (become a better listener with these five tips). Then you’ll have a greater sense of whether an affirmation might help, or if what they need most is just your quiet support.
💙 Become a better communicator and listener with guidance from our meditation on the art of Mindful Listening, led by Tamara Levitt.
Be specific with the words you’re using (and their intention)
When you give an affirmation, make it as specific and genuine as possible. Instead of using a broad statement like “You’re amazing,” dig deeper into what you’re really trying to convey.
So, if your friend is dealing with a stressful work situation, you could say, “I admire how you’ve been handling this with so much patience. I know it’s not easy.” This shows you’re paying attention to what they’re going through, so it feels more personal and heartfelt. Hoping to bond more closely with your pals? Here are seven other ways to be a better friend.
💙 Practice the art of Kind Communication in your friendships (whether it’s delivering positivity or honest feedback) with this meditation from our Love and Relationships Series.
Affirmation culture FAQs
Can too many affirmations negatively affect self-esteem?
Strangely, too many affirmations can actually have a negative effect on self-esteem, even though they’re meant to boost it.
When we start to rely too much on external praise or validation, we may end up only feeling good about ourselves when someone else is telling us we’re doing great.
This can make us start to doubt our own internal sense of self-worth, so we feel anxious or insecure when we aren’t receiving that constant flow of positive feedback. And that can make us focus too much on getting approval from others than from following our own path.
What are the signs of a healthy balance between affirmation and honest feedback in friendships?
In a healthy friendship, there’s a natural flow between offering affirmations and giving honest feedback.
One of the clearest signs of balance is when both friends feel comfortable being real with each other, knowing that the friendship is strong enough to celebrate each other’s successes with genuine encouragement, but also talk openly about challenges or mistakes without worrying you'll offend each other.
A good balance also makes affirmations feel more meaningful because they’re not overused. If a friend praises you for specific things—like how you handled a difficult situation—it feels real and thoughtful.
Can affirmations backfire?
Giving affirmations can sometimes backfire. Watch out for these common pitfalls.
If affirmations are given at the wrong time or feel insincere: Say a friend is going through a tough time and you immediately respond with a positive affirmation like “You’re strong. You’ll get through this.” They might feel like their emotions aren’t being acknowledged, or that their struggle is being minimized, which can create distance or frustration.
When affirmations come across as generic or automatic: If someone senses that you’re just saying something nice without really meaning it, it can make the affirmation feel hollow. It may even cause them to doubt the strength of your relationship.
If affirmations create pressure: If someone hears “You’re so capable,” or “You’ve got this!” all the time, they might start to feel like they have to live up to those expectations, even when they’re struggling. This means affirmations can add stress or make them feel they have to hide their true feelings.
How can we ensure that our affirmations are authentic and meaningful?
To make sure affirmations are authentic and meaningful, be thoughtful and specific in what you’re saying.
Rather than giving broad, generic praise like “You’re great” or “You’re amazing,” focus on something real that you’ve noticed about your friend. Say, “I really admire how patient you were in that meeting today” or “I’m so impressed by how you’re handling this situation with such grace.” Show you’re paying attention by adding detail.
Check that what you’re saying feels true to you at that moment. If you’re just offering praise out of habit—or because you think it’s what the other person wants to hear—pause. You can acknowledge that you’re not sure what to say yet. This honesty can actually strengthen your connection, because it shows that you’re not just giving empty compliments.
Listen carefully to what your friend is going through before jumping in with praise. Sometimes, what they need most isn’t an affirmation, but simply someone to acknowledge how they’re feeling without trying to spin it into something positive right away.
Be present to get a better sense of when an affirmation is a good fit, and when something else—like empathy or support—is what’s really needed.
