What to say when someone dies (and what to avoid)

Relationships

Sep 4

Written By Calm Editorial Team

Clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, MBA

When someone you love experiences a loss, it can be hard to find the right words to console them. Learn what to say when someone dies, and 9 ways to show your support.

When someone has experienced a profound loss, it’s tough to know what to say. You may want to ease their pain or let them know how much their loved one meant to you — but with those good intentions also come a fear of saying the wrong thing or an inability to find the right words.

This situation is common and completely understandable. Most people were never taught how to respond to loss, even though grief touches every one of us eventually. And when you’re not the one grieving, it’s easy to overstep, make it about yourself, or even say something offensive.

If you’ve ever wondered what to say when someone dies—or how to actually support someone who’s grieving—this is for you. We’ll cover what to say, what not to say, and how to show up in a way that feels respectful.

What to say when someone dies

It can feel nerve-racking to know what to say to someone who’s going through grief, but it’s important to say something. If you’re sincere and to the point, you’re doing it right.

Here are some suggestions to get you started:

“I’m so sorry you’re going through this.” This straightforward acknowledgment can hold space for their pain without trying to soften it or explain it away.

“I don’t know what to say, but I’m here.” This works especially well when the loss is recent or shocking. It shows honesty and presence, not avoidance.

“I’m so sorry. They also meant a lot to me.” Sharing your own grief, briefly and gently, can be comforting. It also reminds the grieving person that they’re not alone in their loss.

“I’ve been thinking about you and wanted to check in.” This message is low-pressure but lets them know that you care. It can also help show that your support is ongoing.

“I can only imagine how hard this is. How are you doing today?” A statement like this is a soft way to invite conversation without forcing it.

What not to say when someone dies

Grief is tender, unpredictable, and deeply personal. Certain phrases that might sound comforting to you can feel dismissive, minimizing, or downright painful for someone else.

Here are some common phrases to avoid and why:

“At least they lived a long life.” “At least” statements tend to minimize grief, even if you’re just trying to offer perspective.

“They’re in a better place.” This can assume a shared belief system. For many, what matters most is not where the person is now, but the fact that they’re gone.

“Everything happens for a reason.” When someone’s in pain, they’re not looking for a life lesson. Trying to assign meaning to loss can come across as emotionally tone-deaf.

“Stay strong.” Telling someone to be strong can pressure them to suppress or hide their emotions.

“I know exactly how you feel.” Even if you’ve experienced a similar loss, everyone grieves differently. This kind of statement can unintentionally center your experience instead of theirs.

But it’s important to note that if you do end up saying something unhelpful, it’s more than okay to course-correct. If that’s the case, consider saying something like, “Hey, I might not have said that quite right, but I care about you and I’m here.”

How to console someone after a death: 9 ways to show your support

There’s no one way to support someone who’s grieving, but most people will appreciate you being present, patient, and consistent. Whether you’re a close friend or a concerned colleague, here are some ways to offer support to someone who’s experienced loss.

1. Say something, even if it’s small or imperfect

Silence can feel like abandonment. If you don’t know what to say, it’s okay to admit that.

You could say, “I’m so sorry. I don’t have the right words, but I’m thinking of you.” This way, you’re validating their pain without trying to fix anything.

2. Use their loved one’s name

A lot of people avoid mentioning the person who died because they’re afraid it’ll cause more pain. But for someone grieving, hearing their loved one’s name can be comforting.

You might say, “I’ve been thinking a lot about [person’s name]. They were always so generous with their time.” This shows that you remember them and that they mattered to you.

3. Check in regularly (and beyond the first few weeks)

Grief lingers long after the funeral. Create a reminder for yourself to check in a few weeks or months later, especially around difficult dates like birthdays or anniversaries. Even a short message can be a powerful reminder that they’re not alone.

4. Offer practical help they don’t have to think about

When someone’s grieving, basic logistics can feel overwhelming. To help ease their mental load, offer specific and low-pressure help.

For example, you could offer to bring food on Tuesday night or to walk their dog on Saturday. If you’re unsure, try giving a few options like, “I could bring food, walk your dog, or run errands. What would be most helpful to you?”

5. Hold space for awkward, painful conversations

Grief is rarely neat. When someone is going through it, it’s common for them to cry, go quiet, get angry, or say something that sounds irrational. Remember that it’s not your job to fix it. It’s to hold space.

So, listen without interrupting and resist the urge to fill silences. Sitting nearby and being there is enough.

💙 Dr. Joanne Cacciatore’s Grieving series can help you understand the complexities of grief.

6. Don’t rush their process

We all process grief in different ways. Some people want to discuss it, but others don’t. Some sob openly, while others feel numb for weeks. Respect the shape their grief takes, even if it doesn’t match your expectations.

If they’re not ready to talk, let them know that’s okay: “No pressure to respond. I just wanted you to know that I’m here.”

7. Remember the mundane matters too

Even if your loved one is devastated, life goes on. Remember to check in about the little things, too. A quick, “Want me to bring out your trashcans?” or “Do you need help sorting your mail?” can show you care.

8. Avoid comparing your experiences

Even if you’ve experienced a similar loss, avoid making comments like, “I know exactly how you feel.”

Instead, go for something along the lines of, “I remember when I lost my dad. It was really hard in ways I didn’t expect. I’m here if you want to talk.” This keeps the focus on them while gently offering shared understanding.

💙 Holding Space with Tamara Levitt is a great resource on how to be there for the people you love.

9. Stay connected in small, low-pressure ways

Remind yourself that not every check-in needs to be about the loss. Consider sending a photo or texting a memory during this time that has nothing to do with their grief. This can keep your connection going and also help get their mind off the loss.

What to say when someone dies FAQs

What’s the best thing to say when someone dies unexpectedly?

When a death is sudden, there’s often shock layered on top of the grief. The usual things you might say could feel even more inadequate. In situations like this, honest messages like “I’m so sorry. This is heartbreaking” can go a long way.

Also, if you're close, being physically present can often be more powerful than anything you say. Many times, just sitting beside someone in their pain can make a big difference.

What if I say the wrong thing to someone grieving?

Nobody’s perfect. It’s okay if you say the wrong thing.

If you realize you misspoke, just gently acknowledge it. You could say something like, “I’ve been thinking about our talk, and I hope I didn’t say anything that added to your pain. I really just want to support you.”

Remind yourself that repair matters more than getting it right the first time. Owning your misstep with compassion shows that you care enough to keep trying.

Can I say something in a text instead of in person?

Texts can be a completely valid way to reach out, especially when distance is involved. You could send a short message like, “I just heard the news, and I’m so sorry. I’m here if you want to talk. And if not, that’s okay too.” This can land softly and also give the person room to respond — or not.

In general, try to avoid defaulting to silence because you’re uncomfortable. A heartfelt text is always better than nothing.

What should I avoid saying when someone dies?

Avoid saying anything that starts with “at least.” This can imply that the loss was meant to be, and it can reframe the grief too quickly. Also, stay away from phrases like “They’re in a better place” or “You’ll be okay.” These statements can sound dismissive, even if that wasn’t your intention.

Instead, make your goal to just be present and remain open to hearing what the grieving person actually needs.

How can I support someone if I’m far away?

If you’re far away, consider sending a handwritten note, arranging a food delivery, or sharing a memory of the person who died. You could also check in regularly by text or phone.

Another good way to show your support is to set up a reminder in your calendar to reach out a month or two later. This is usually a time when the immediate support has faded, but the grief hasn’t.

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Calm Editorial Team